2008 Spring ’Scopes by Sauce Mistress with Special 'Scope Correspondent GERTRUDE
Taurus: Your birthday has arrived at last! Expect wonderful things to happen right now Taurus, as you know, Saturn is now in a direct path—a pathway to dumbsville, you stupid idiot, do you really believe that crap?
Gemini: Ah, Gemini. Our little extrovert. You've been working overtime on the party circuit, haven't you? Yes, yes it's springtime and it makes everyone want to go out, but you should probably tone it down a bit. And stop giving out your phone number!
Cancer:You know, springtime is no time to be crabby Cancer, so put a little spring in your step, will ya? A little exercise can't hurt, swim season is approaching. And while you're at, you may want to turn down that 4th bacon cheeseburger when you're at lunchÖ
Leo: Fiery Leo. Your famous bossiness and interfering nature are not a good match at work. You should probably start working on that resume because we hear that the boss is a little sick of your 'tude.
Virgo:It's an old joke, but you're no virgin Virgo—quite the opposite in fact, and the Skank scale has finally tipped over on you. Try a little restraint this time. Join a choir, feed the homeless, or just rely on the old fashion left-hand Suzuki method, like you usually do.
Scorpio:Deep, brooding, intense Scorpio. How you fascinate us. We hear you're fantastic in bed. Use a rubber, dude.
Sagitarius:Your independent spirit has never been stronger and we're impressed with the idealism you carry with you. Still, we are a little sick of the positive happy crap and it's getting a little old. Share some valium with the rest of us!
Capricorn:You know, being a goat ain't so bad. But being cheap is. It's time to throw out your 10-year-old tighty-whitey's and get some Calvins. And please buy a new loaf of bread—picking out the mold is getting old.
Aquarius:We found your wallet in the ladies' room. But don't worry—we won't tell anyone your real age.
Pisces: Love is in the air for you, our fishy friend, but it's the up and down variety. Expect to spend your summer having loud arguments in public places and apologizing to your friends for making a scene. We wouldn't want to be you...
Aries: No horoscope for you Aries, no news is good news—you've been saved!
Have a happy Cinqo De Mayo everyone!
WINTER '08 SCOPES:
Hey everyone! Long time no see! I foresee an exciting year for all. A young black president? A baby boomer, former first lady? Perhaps a Vietnam veteran or an ex-mayor of Ne York City. Curious isn’t it? Regardless of who wins, you have a life of your own, and I’m just the person to guide you this year, so stay tuned for monthly updates!
February ‘08
Aquarius: Rise and shine l’il water bearer—this is your birthday month! You will be showered with gourmet meals, presents galore and all the sex you could possibly dream of. Oh wait; it was just a dream after all!
Pisces: Big fish, little fish swimming in the water. This month presents a challenge for you fish, but don’t dismay, you are strong! You may run into a person or two who just won’t see it your way, no matter what you say or do. Well, you know just what to do to take care of them! And don’t worry; involuntary manslaughter will only get you 5 to 10, or two with community service for good behavior.
Aries: A big, strong ram you are Aries! The month of February is a time of reflection for you. I suggest taking as much prescription narcotics as possible to make this reflection period even more vivid for you. And while your at it, throw a few my way, will ya?
Taurus: Big, tough stubborn bull! You’re a little sensitive these days Taurus, so you want to charge at as many red flags as possible this month. Well simmer down right now! Soothe your hooves in a sexy, relaxing bath, play some sexy, relaxing music—pamper yourself! You can hide the body later.
Gemini: Okay, F*ck Munch, the jig is up Twins. We know what you’ve been hiding in your basement. All the porn that you’ve been collecting since 1975 has been confiscated by the FBI, and will be thoroughly examined, to get a profile of just what kind of sicko you really are. And may I say: Hot JAPS volume III looks pretty darned good.
Cancer: Oh Cancer, it’s going to be just fine, hang in there. This may be a tough month for you, but the Crab always prevails! If that annoying certain someone is pissing you off, you know just where to send him/her packing! And don’t forget to look under the fridge, you will find two tickets to Jamaica, one for yourself and one for your host, l’il old Applesauce!
Leo: ROWRRRR! You sexy Lion! You’re so sexy; no one can look directly at you, for your sexiness is all-powerful, like the rays of the sun. This month, all will bow down to you Lion, due to your awesome sexification. Did I mention you’re also so super sexy?
Virgo: Virgo, maybe next time you decide to get collagen injections, you won’t make your lips look like someone stuck a glazed doughnut in the middle of your face? I suggest you see a specialist this time around. How about just putting a paper bag over your head and leave it at that?
Libra: Always balancing the scales Libra, and this month is no different for you. It’s hard to stay sane while balancing school, a full-time job, 10 lovers, six kids, and a coke-dealing business. You need a break for a change. I suggest spending your hard-earned cash on the nearest Taurus you can find.
Scorpio: Stingin’ Scorpion, what’s up your sleeves this month? What kind of devious plot do you have cookin’? What kind of wild ride do you have planned for usÖhmmm? What’s that you say? A night home, playing scrabble, eating popcorn and watching Beaches? Wow, yeah, that sound, um, fun Scorpio. I don’t know, I may already have plans with Sagittarius.
Sagittarius: Hey you saucy Sag! What’s up? A free pass for you this month you sexy Archer you, so enjoy! And do me a favor and stay clear of Scorpio, lest he/she may cramp your style
Capricorn: Curmudgeonly Goat, let’s liven things up a bit, shall we? We know your birthday month has just passed, but there’s no need to bitch about it. Do something productive with yourself, like look up to see if curmudgeonly is actually a word, you dumb f*ck.
That’s all folks, see you next month! Applesauce 2.0.
SUMMER of Love Scopes
Ah May, what a lovely time of the year!! The birds are chirping, the blossoms are burgeoning (yes, a ten dollar word!), the children are prancing. What better time than now to summon the stars for your monthly predictions? I mean, it's not like Ms. Sauce has anything better to do, like come up with a wedding list for her big fat Judaea/Catholic wedding -- that would be just plain irresponsible! The nerve!
Scopes By Applesauce and Gertrude
Applesauce's May '07 Scopes (with Gertrude!) Disclaimer: Applesauce greatly appreciates all the efforts of her peeps who are helping plan and celebrate this upcoming glorious day. J And a special thanks to Gertrude for her contribution this month's horoscopes!
Taurus: Bull, you ol' son of gun, it's your time of year once again! How about a trip out of town to ease any mounting stress? A pull of the slot machine lever or a spin of the roulette wheel? A relaxing massage for that nagging back pain? The possibilities are endless. Or you could just go postal on everyone's ass, and finally get it out of your system the proper way—though I don't think they serve birthday cake in jailÖ
Gemini: Howdy Twins! Long time no see! The fantastic month ahead brings you flowers, love, (dare I say the "s" word? Wink, wink, nudge, nudge J ), and hold onto your chair—that Storm Troopers movie is just around the corner! I don't see it getting any better than this for youÖ except if you could only figure out where to put that new Star Wars Imperial destroyer once you put it togetherÖ.
Cancer: Damn it, Crab do you have be so darned cranky all the time? Can't you just lighten up for Pete's sake? You got that f-in' raise you've been wanting, you got money back from the fed's to help buy that Porsche you've always wanted, and yet you still bitch. Try working at a soup kitchen for a day or take a walk with an old person, you annoying selfish person.
Leo: Lion, we heard you have scabies. And we told EVERYONE.
Virgo: And you so-called Virgin, give it up man, she's not coming back.
Libra: Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life Libra. Now is the time to use that gift certificate for that rehab program Aunt Gladys got your for Christmas. Lay off the Cheese Curls too, and PULLLEASE stop having unprotected sex with 16-year olds!
Scorpio: Lighten up will ya, Scorpion? Treat yourself to a bubble bath and receive one complimentary visit to that infamous brothel, deep in the heart of Nevada ! Man, you really need to get laidÖ
Sagittarius: Okay Archer, so those new Prada shoes got ruined when you stepped in a 6 inch puddle, so freakin' what? Go buy a new pair—DUH! And while you're at it, get some for me as well, and Gertrude too!
Capricorn: You know Goat, you just can't please all the people all the time, in the words of the late, great Bob Marley. Kick back, smoke a J. But for the love of God, please make sure to scrape off all the boogers from your bedroom wall before your next house guest arrives.
Aquarius: Free pass Aquarius--no horoscope for you this month!
Pisces:Damn it Fish, you forgot to pay the cable bill again. Call CableVision before they shut it off and you can't watch the Sopranos!
Aries: You know what they say Ram, when you judge others, you're really just judging yourself, so cut the crap already! Do unto others as you would do to yourself, and take Taurus out for dinner!
Have a great month folks!
*these horoscopes were not created to offend, rather, to enlighten you.