"I said Lord take me downtown, I'm just lookin' for some Tush…" OH CRAP! Li'l Applesauce got distracted again and had forgotten all about you Virgo! And you Libra! And you too Scorpio! So to make it up to you, I'm combining the Virgin wisdom with the balance of those saucy Libra scales, the stingin’ good sense of Scorpio and the happy-go-lucky charm of Sagitarius. Read on, young grasshoppers….

"Stop it Cheez Kurl! Stop it!"
Get out of my way Applesauce!

Sagitarius: You are either a bitch or a bastard and your mother sucks cocks in hell!

WHACK!!!
Arggggghhhhhhhhh…..

Ahem….Capricorn, goats, right…

Capricorn: Okay Capricorn! APPLESAUCE predicts that you will get accosted by Cheesz Kurl at a 711 late one night this month. But fear not—Super Scheinman will fly to the scene to save you. **For those new to Applesauce ‘Scopes, Cheez Kurl is Applesauce’s highly offensive alter-id that likes to jump in and write the horoscopes from time to time.

Aquarius: Ah, the waterbearer, what can I say? Avoid the holiday rush this season and shop online! You can now get that penis-pump for your honey right in the privacy of your own home!

Pisces: What fish is on the menu today? Salmon? Eel? The possibilities are endless. But for this particular fish, the month ahead should be merry and prosperous. Warning: beware of the make-out gnomes and the color green.

Aries: Your car will burst into flames, your rent check will be intercepted in the mail, cashed, and never to be seen again, and you will probably be dumped. But don’t worry, you still have your shit job and your health!

Taurus: Silly Bull, home sick again? Beat that oh-so influential influenza with the all-new Applesauce Flu Shots! That’s right, Applesauce will come to your home and give you the shot in the ass that you need and deserve!
**All major insurance providers accepted

Gemini: Rock on Twins! Some holiday cheer is comin’ your way this month, even though your favorite band won’t be heading to your town anytime soon. That’s okay, you have l’il Applesauce to rock your world. Oh that was absolutely cheezy.

Cancer: No horoscope for you this month Cancer. It’s just the way it is. Please don’t argue with me Cancer. What the? Okay…Cancer will win the lottery this month. Are you happy now you hateful bag of crabs?

Leo: Saucy Lion, you’re always on top aren’t you? Well, this month everyone should just stand back and let your majestic beauty shine on through. Beware of shopping mall Santas named Hal.

Virgo: Whoa, for a Virgin, you’re sure going to get your fill of lovin’ this month. Just put a helmet on that shoulder and enjoy the good times. Watch out for drag queens named Leroy.

Libra: Whoa Libra! Slow down! You are going WAY too fast these days, silly scales. Take a load off. That big project you have coming up in a few weeks will work out, you'll see. Oh wait, no it won't—sorry!
**Just kiddin' Libra, (keepin' you on your toes, eh?)

Scorpio: Tsk, tsk Scorpio, what are you into this month? Scandal and mayhem I see. Well, stop it already! You've won a free month supply of the "2003 Deluxe Applesauce Purification System." That's right, no booze, sex, drugs and mischievousness for you for one whole month, thanks to this wonderful device! You can thank me later.

That’s all for now kids, Happy Chanukah & Merry Christmas.

Love,
Applesauce