Welcome to Survivor 5!!! Big pants are in, bible-thumping is out, and we finally get more diversity beyond a token two African Americans. (Her name is Shii-Devil... but somehow I don't feel threatened.)

INTRODUCTION: We see our favorite host, Jeff Probst, in a pair of comfortable, baggy khakis, telling us of adventures we will never forget. In walk the Survivors, tossing condescending waves to the little Thai children as they board the bus.... except Robb -- the dumbass -- who scoots by them on his skateboard. Better enjoy that last run, buddy, cuz there's nothing but sand and palm trees on the island. Then again, maybe it could serve as shelter when a tropical storm runs through campfire....

But this is a NEW journey, Jeff reminds us. Teams aren't chosen by the producers -- rather they're picked in a kickball-like fashion. Insecurities, anyone?

Clay - the restauranteur from Monroe, Louisiana -- admits he's not surprised at being picked last because he is -- in fact -- the size of a crawfish.
Robb brags about avoiding eye contact enough to not be chosen for the "little old lady's team." (my respect for the squareheaded Arizona bartender is sinking, sinking, sinking ....)

Erin is embarassed at being chosen last. I am embarassed for her --- when she opens her mouth. But I"m more embarassed for Tanya (pronounced Tan + Yah) because of her habit of puking every five minutes. Kinda like that kid on southpark who pukes when he sees wendy.

so the "tribes" are given the distinguised names of Sook Jai (Jake and the youngins) and Chuay Ghan (the crusty bunch). at this point Robb claims his real victory -- "We got all the hot girls in our tribe." Yeah, rob, and they all want you, sooo, sooo bad!!!!!

The crusties get the good shelter, and the youngins get the easy water. Ghandia (dread lady) doesn't think that's very funny. It's so not funny that she will decide to take out her agression on the pastor John who tried to hide the water from the tribe. Yes Ghandia, being on a game show is very, very serious business.

I don't remember what happens next but I think it involves Tanya puking. That's all we know about this southern belle -- her infatuation with regurgitation. Crusties make her sick.

Back at the young, hunky tribe, Jed (aka, Pec Man) is bitching that Robb is giving him a wood and there's nowhere to go and relieve himself.

His attitude causes Robb to make the very grave mistake of picking a fight with Shii Ann.
"You don't mess with Shedevil unless you want her horns."

This leads us to the immunity challenge. I hope they do a demonstration of these "challenges" for the survivors on the live set, because I certainly can't remember them more than a few seconds. It involves an obstacle course. In the rain. Fast forward to the final leg, and serious Ghandia can't solve the puzzle to get the knife and cut the roap. This leads Chuay Ghan to lose the challenge, and Ghandia to burst into tears. Which of course, means that she definitely won't get voted off.

Tanya pukes again, and then declares how vulnerable she feels because she can't stop puking.

I think the car salesman porn star Brian says something, but I forget what it was.

Fast forward to Tribal Council, where we discover Jesus is no longer in vogue this season. Neleh and Vecepia took all the god tolerance we had left ... thus, John the pastor is toast.

tune in next week when Firestarter tries to mess with the Shedevil