1. Never start a trio with a married couple.
2. Your manager's not helping you. Fire him/her.
3. Before you sign a record deal, look up the word "recoupable" in the dictionary.
4. No one cares who you've opened for.
5. A string section does not make your songs sound any more "important."
6. If your band has gone through more than 4 bass players, it's time to
7. When you talk on stage you are never funny.
8. If you sound like another band, don't act like you're unfamiliar with their music("Oh does Rage Against The Machine also do rap-rock with political lyrics?")
9. Asking a crowd how they're doing is just amplified small talk.
10. Don't say your video's being played if it's only on the Local Cable Channel.
11. When you sign to a major label, claim to have inked the best contract ever. Mention "artistic freedom" and "guaranteed 3 record deal."
12. When you get dropped insist that it was the worst contract ever and you asked to be let go.
13.Never name a song after your band.
14. Never name your band after a song.
15. When a drummer brings in his own songs and asks to perform one of them, begin looking for a new drummer IMMEDIATELY.
16. Never enter a "battle of the bands" contest. If you do you're already a loser.
17. Scary word pairings :"rock opera", "blues jam", "swing band", and "open mic."
18. Drummers can take off their shirts or they can wear gloves, but not both.
19. Listen, either break it to your parents or we will; it's rock n roll, not a soccer game. They have to stop coming to your shows.
20. It's not a "showcase". It's a gig that doesn't pay.
21. No one cares that you have a web site.
22. Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to your feet.
23. Don't hire a publicist.
24. Playing in San Marcos & Alpine doesn't mean you're on tour.
25. Don't join a cover band that plays Bush songs.
26. Although they come in different styles and colours, electric guitars all sound the same. Why do you keep changing them between songs?
27. Don't stop your set to ask that beers be brought up. That's what girlfriends / boyfriends are for.
28. If you use a smoke machine your music sucks.
29. We can tell the difference between a professionally produced album cover and one you made with the iMac your mom got for Christmas.
30. Remember, if blues solos are so difficult, why can so many 16-year-olds play them?
31. If you ever take a bad publicity photo, destroy it. Otherwise you may never know where it will turn up.
32. Cut your hair, but do not shave your head.
33. Pierce your nose, but not your eyebrow.
34. Do not wear shorts onstage Or a hat.
35. Rock oxymorons; "major label interest", "demo deal"," blues genius", "$500 guarantee", and "Fastball's second hit."
36. 3 things that are never coming back: --- gongs, headbands, and playing slide guitar with a beer bottle.
*No one at Lassie's Lair wrote these rules, nor do we necessarily agree with all of them.
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