Lazy Leo Scopes
ROOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR! Applesauce is back again kids, a little late, but here, nonetheless, bringin' you your favorite mid-summer scopes. (yeah, yeah, I know, we're already in Virgo, gimme a break folks, it's summer!)
If your birthday is August 11: They have an expression back in Old Spain: "Mis ojos son marones porque estoy llena de mierda." If you can figure out what this means, then that's you!!!
LEO: This month, your car's engine will explode and so will your temper, so cool it down there Lion!! Beware of wusses in concert parking lots…
VIRGO: So the big gig with Courtney Love, didn't work out, whatcha gonna do? Head to the amusement park! Eat a snow cone or a funnel cake! But watch out for cheap-ass henna tattoos at local music festivals.
LIBRA: Sexy Scales, where've you been all my life? This month, take 'er easy, you deserve a little R&R. Play a round of mini-golf or take a stroll on the beach. Stay away from maniacal boxers-wearin' bass players.
SCORPIO: A stingin' good month for you Scorpion. You'll get to see your favorite band—TWICE!! FOR FREE!! If your favorite band is Incubus, however, this offer is void.
SAGITARIUS: Okay Archer, this month, you let it all hang out— in the shower, at the beach, in public restrooms, at the movies….
CAPRICORN: You wacky Goat, whatcha doin' out so late? Not getting enough oats during the day? Well, you can relax now, with the New and Improved, Applesauce Wild-Oats Sower 2003!!!! No more late nights at the goat club for you, no sir. Just sit back and relax, and the fun will come right to your front door!!! (Batteries not included).
AQUARIUS: Man, you are a boring sign. I have no news for you this month, Water Bearer. Go get a life.
PISCES: Well hellooooo there Fish. How's it hangin'? This month is nothing but fun, fun, FUN!!!! You'll be swimmin' through hoops and beautiful waterfalls! And eating nothing but the finest seafood around! You know why? Because you have won a lifetime all-you-can-eat buffet at none other than Calabash, you're favorite restaurant! You can thank me later ;)
ARIES: Ram, what are we going to do with you? Just let things ride this month and see what develops. Note: IHOP=good. SOUTH OF THE BORDER=bad.
TAURUS: You suck Taurus!!!! No horoscope for you!!!
GEMINI: After all those concerts Twins, you must be tired. Relax, and spend some time at the beach, you're favorite place ever, with charming little ol' Applesauce. *Bring earplugs for that all-night firecracker display.
CANCER: Yeah, the Crab jokes get old, but then so do you. But you really need to stop your crabbiness this month once and for all. Indulge in a full-body wax, manicure, pedicure and facial (you need one) at the Applesauce Day Spa!
See ya later!!!