Applesauce April 'Scopes

As we move through the sign of Aries, Applesauce presents yet another batch of heart-warming and enlightening predictions this month:

Aries: Yeah, we know, it's your birthday, you've already told us 10 times. This birthday month will bring activities filled with Mystery! Intrigue! Adventure! And no, "busting ass" in someone's face is not adventurous, it's retarded—get a life.

Taurus: Guess what Bull? You're officially fat! So you better get in shape, your birthday is coming 'round the bend any minute. And no, five doughnuts for breakfast, a double bacon cheeseburger and chocolate shake for lunch, with a sensible dinner won't cut it.

Gemini: Twins, we just can't keep up with you and all your personalities this month. Make up your freakin' mind and choose one!

Cancer: You know, it's raining Crabs this month—and all kinds. Blue crabs, soft shells, Alaskan King Crabs, Snow Crabs—mmmmmm crabs. But avoid the pubic crabs in public places…

Leo: Let's see, how about a horoscope for our study Lion…what's this? Nope, no horoscope, just some leftover fruit cocktail and a fortune cookie with no fortune. Tough tits Leo.

Virgo: You know, if you quit dicking around and concentrated more on your schoolwork, everyone would be much better off.

Libra: Libras suck, man, how I hate them.

Scorpio: You freakin' little Scorpion! All month you will say "freakin' " in at least every other sentence. Freakin' freak.

Sagitarius: Now that you've discovered that the cure for smoking is eating M & M's, there is no stopping you now, Archer. So indulge a little! Just make sure your ass stays ABOVE your knees.

Capricorn: Avast me Hearties! Maybe if you quit acting like a freakin' pirate, you'll actually find a real treasure this month—like a clue. ARGH!

Aquarius: Hey there Aquarius—you're Chubby! Chumba Wumba, El Chubberino, The Chubmeister—that's you! Next time you're at that power happy hour, lay off the god-damned guacamole and maybe you'll have a shot at wearing that swimsuit this summer.

Pisces: Your life will go "swimmingly" this month as the saying goes, Fish, so dive on into a bright new adventure. But look out! There's a freakin'….er….dock post. Sorry about that, better luck next month.

See you next month kids!