*The fact that Applesauce’s birthday is April 30th has absolutely no influence on this prediction

Taurus: Don’t look now, but I see an exciting month for Taurus! Could a new car be pealing around the corner to replace your current piece of crap? Hmmm? Beware of mask-wearing children who play hopscotch…

Gemini: Remember all work and no play, make these schizo twins dull, so live it up this month Gemini! Oh, and don’t forget to take care of the gangrene growing between your toes…

Cancer: Ho hum … It looks like a boring time in the life of Cancer. You may as well just sleep this month.

Leo: Fiery Leo is always on the prowl for a little spice, so treat yourself to life’s excesses this month! But don’t forget to wash behind your ears (and wipe your ass for that matter).

Virgo: A virgin? You? I think not! You will have more opportunities for sex this month than any other sign! Just be sure to put a helmet on that soldier (or a cap on that cushion).

Libra: Well Libra, like the scales, everything is in full balance this month…like your checkbook, your car, and your brand new… trampoline?! And look who’s jumping on your new trampoline? It’s Gary Coleman and Danny Bonaduce – together at last!

Scorpio: Okay saucy Scorpio, enough is enough. All your obnoxious karma is finally coming back to you this month so take cover. Expect to find bad gasoline in your car and dirty toenails in your bed.

Sagittarius: Ah, sturdy Sag, life couldn’t be better. This could be a good time to get some things done around the house. Just don’t forget to take those body parts out of the freezer before the maintenance crew comes over, dumb ass.

Capricorn: Capricorn, why do you always expect to have a horoscope each month? What did you ever do for me?

Aquarius: Airy Aquarius, always up in the clouds. Well, you’re in for an extra special treat this month, so be on the look out for a gnome named “Harry” who bares gifts. But stay clear of a wild pack of buffaloes that will try to intercept you on your way to work around May 14th…

Pisces: Fishy Pisces, always something up your sleeve. This month, you’ll have plenty to put up your sleeves – a lifetime supply of Juju Bee’s! (courtesy of the Intergalactic Candy Store).

Aries: Poor Aries, always on the go. This month relax with a massage or a long walk through the park. If you walk through the park, bring your raincoat – it’s dead-fish throwing season.

Well, off I go, back home to Planet Applesauce*. See you next month!

*All of the 200,000 inhabitants of Planet Applesauce are named Applesauce, distinguished only by the numbers tacked on the end of their names.